CONFRONTATION, difficult but necessary

Emotional baggage, something we all have. What differs among us is the size, nature, depth, and its grip.

Are you pulling it around, from person-to-person, or is it guiding you? Has it festered and consumed you so that it is controlling your interactions and experiences unknowingly, or are you aware of its strength but have neglected to initiate its removal?

Sometimes we are ignorant to what afflicts us. We aren’t able to conceptualize why we haven’t been able to connect with people on a deeper level. We can’t fathom why our relationships fail. I think in this instance it is guiding us, controlling us.

In the other circumstance, we are fully aware of the baggage we carry but we neglect doing anything about it because we have grown complacent with the life we lead.

I encountered my emotional baggage, and it was mighty! I embarked on a journey of self-discovery a little less than a year ago. I was lost and in need of major self-construction!

I realized suddenly that I couldn’t connect with a very important “person” in my life. I couldn’t connect emotionally, spiritually, and I felt that I had failed. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t open up to this person and be raw and vulnerable. I couldn’t be affectionate, trusting, or even appear interested. I projected all of my insecurities and emotional scars onto “this person.”

I wasn’t able to have deep, substantial conversations and allow “this person” into my life. I was too afraid but I didn’t understand that 1) why I was not ABLE to connect and 2) that I had many emotional problems that plagued me.

I could not interact with “this person” in the way I wanted. I could not be the person I felt internally. I couldn’t make visible what I felt inside. I grew frustrated and angry at myself. I was unhappy with my interaction with “this person” because I believed I was “trying” so hard but was alone in the efforts. In reality, I was not being transparent or communicating in an effective way.

After we stopped “talking,” I was broken. I felt so broken because I felt I failed at something I wanted so intensely. It confirmed my greatest fear– that I was unlovable and unable to be in a relationship.

I came to learn that my emotional scars from other men in my life impeded my ability to pursue a healthy relationship. I learned that I was projecting all of my emotional scars from these past experiences onto “this person.” I then had to work on releasing and healing those scars. My baggage lightened the more I sealed my wounds.

You see, the wounds led me to believe that I could never be loved, be desired, wanted, or sought after. They led me to believe that any action I took or anything I said would render criticism and ridicule. So out of fear of that judgment, I hid my true self. I built barriers and prevented the real me from being exposed. I became emotionally unavailable.

Then one day I found her again. I found myself after a lot of healing. I learned to feel. I learned to engage and understand my emotions instead of pushing them aside.  I exposed the woman I always knew I was but was to afraid to show. When I found myself, I realized the love I lost. I realized how much I loved “this person” but couldn’t feel it before because I did not love myself.

I say this to say that we must first understand ourselves, love ourselves and heal ourselves. I am thankful for “this person” because had it not been for our interaction I would not have realized how lost, scarred, and broken I was.

I found my love again and it feels amazing.

Time to Shed this Skin

Graduate School has not manifested into my expectations. I struggle to decipher whether I expected too much or if I’m not smart enough, thus not seeing the benefits.

Two weeks stand between me and the end of my first year of a two-year program. To be completely honest and transparent, I have probably dedicated 35-40% of myself, my brain power and my care to this degree. I find myself apathetic.

There is so much occurring and blossoming around me, that my “degree” does not pertain to my interest at the moment. But I am riddled with guilt. I want to pour myself into this program and reap the fruits of my hard labor.

I’m puzzled by my apathy. I can’t figure out if I don’t care because the courses I’m taking are nonsensical and don’t interest me because of the pedagogical methods, or, because I’m not intelligent enough to contribute more.

There is one class. My favorite course is , of course, an Education Policy Course that requires quite a good amount of reading that I have kept up with! We actually discuss the reading and the subject matter! I thoroughly enjoy this course.

My other courses are application based and I understand that can be dry sometimes but I don’t feel challenged….so I stopped trying.

However, like I was saying up there somewhere, I’m sidetracked by so many other things. I chose to dedicate these 2 years to graduate school-quite frankly because I had no other choice-but also to dedicate to myself.

I have spent the past 7 months focusing solely on improving myself. Although I’ll close this graduate school year feeling robbed of a real experience and intellectual growth….I will close it with a greater and deeper understanding of myself. I can say proudly that I am FINALLY the person I have always wanted to be..the person I always knew I was!

I’ve been under construction for so long now and still have some work to do! It feels so liberating to face your demons head on and to finally liberate yourself! Existing as me and only me is such a thrilling experience!

Another thing I am most proud of over these past 7 months is my Spirituality Game. I am at such a beautiful spiritual part of my life and I am working on strengthening this relationship each and everyday.

If I’ve learned anything, it is to invest in your tool box. That way, whenever something happens you’ll have quick access to those tools to get you back on track. 

As this semester comes to a close, I am very ready to start on my next chapter of self-improvement.

This truly has been one of the hardest years of my life. From a break up, medical complications (on-going), knee injury (still rehabilitating), emotional and mental distress, nervous breakdown and the list goes on, I didn’t give up. And I don’t plan on it. As a former avid coffee drinker that had to give it up (as of December 2015), if one can give up coffee….nothing is impossible! 

That leaves me with a need to shed my skin and make my next move. I have some ideas I’m toying around with but I haven’t decided.

(I apologize for the writing style of this entry. I simply wanted to get my thoughts out.)

Self-Lost Begets Self-Found

I’m sure you have heard it before. “You must first lose yourself to find yourself.”

Silly idea, I used to think. I firmly believed one could never find themselves because they created themselves each day, with each experience and test of life, hence one can never be lost.

Silly me. 

I now have come to the conclusion that both can stand besides one another, and are not mutually exclusive.

We shape and create ourself each day, each moment. However, we also can get lost in the process of self-creation. I have found that in the midst of the creation process, we can lose our sense of self and in this moment we have two options.

One can either continue lost and disconnected, not centered, and feel anxious, angst and sometimes depressed. This occurs because the soul, the true self and the current state are not aligned.

Or, one can go into a state of searching. This involves openness to deeper meanings, taking a step back from everything around you and committing to self-reflection. How did I get here? Where do I want to go? What does this all mean?

Are you really losing yourself? What does that mean?

The self you lose is your self-image, how you see and perceive who you are, the thoughts that shape that image. When you lose that self, you have lost the wrong image (thoughts, emotions, perceptions) of yourself. Thereby, you begin to find the true image, the real you. This is a deeper understanding and awareness that can strip away the mind’s illusions. You begin to understand you at your core and are freed from false identity. You are now connected, beginning to understand your purpose and feeling more centered.

The act of losing yourself can be triggered in a vast array of ways. One can endure a traumatic experience, leaving them alone with their thoughts that can propel them to push forward and seek greater understanding of who they are. Others, can find themselves lost and not understanding how they got to where they are, thus, seeking to find their center.

This is merely my interpretation of the concept after having lost myself, who I thought I was, only to discover my true-self and fall deeply in love with her.

Here’s to creating and finding who you are so that you can live life slightly more at peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

22.

On this day, 22 years ago, I was born.

I have lived a beautiful and very blessed life. As I sit here, breathing, living and thinking about all the beautiful and painful moments that have culminated into my 22 years of life, I can’t help but think about events that transpired this last year.

Something I have always wanted was a loving, growing and faith-based relationship. A partner. A best friend. An everlasting love that grows stronger with time. Call me a romantic if you will, but I always believed that the most beautiful thing we experience is loving someone not related to us by blood and forging our love with children.

It’s amazing! Two people come together and create new life. How can you not fall in love with this life experience?

On this day, 1 year ago, I was in a “serious” relationship. We had a plan. I was going to finish school while he worked and resettled in the US.

I was happy, maybe not with him, but happy with my plan. I spent 6 years in awe of him and desiring him. I later spent a year with him, apart from him emotionally, but organizationally we were together.

Anytime my friends would ask me if I loved him, I cringed internally and spat out round-about words that were meaningless. A common response being, “I mean, I don’t know maybe. I just think we work very well together and he’s awesome!”

That was my way of saying no! I don’t love him! I don’t even desire him or want him! But I want this life experience and I love the security of my plan! I can continue on to graduate school and not worry about having to meet someone then or later and put the pieces together because I already have him. I can finish school with peace of mind.

Yes, sadly that was my rationale.

Looking back, I hate it. I identify myself as a very spiritual being but what I was displaying was a loss of faith and an assumption of control.

I thought I could control my life by implementing this plan and sacrificing my happiness in achieving it.

Almost two months ago I faced my reality and let him go. I set him free and coincidently set myself free. 

It was difficult. I lost my plan. This incredible security-induced plan that just required me to go along with and not feel.

Thinking back to a year ago, there were so many red flags illuminating my unhappiness.

A long-distance relationship became my first relationship and my first break-up. This concept of long-distance stands as a metaphor for many things in that encounter. Not only were we distant physically, but emotionally and spiritually we were not aligned.

Without getting into the details of my now former relationship, I learned how important intuition is, as well as faith. Trusting and listening to ourselves is cumbersome especially when growing up in a society that identifies these innate feminine qualities as inferior. However, we must listen to our inner signals and act accordingly. Lastly, as a spiritual person it was immensely important for me to really Let Go and Let God. 

So now, I’ve thrown out my plan. I have goals but nothing planned out. I know that one of my goals is to graduate with my MPA, another includes being a wife and then mother and I have a goal to excel in my career. Life is much more satisfying without the rigidity of a plan. There are less opportunities of being let down when you do not reach certain benchmarks.

I’m not saying that having an idea of where you’d like to be and when is wrong. Contrary to that, I find that’s a great idea but let’s not make it so rigid and concrete. Also, let’s not be dependent on that plan. Plan’s change and we need to be ready to shift right along with them.

In effort to be my authentic self, I am learning more about myself through introspection and paying heed to my intuition.

 

 

Growing Up and Growing Disillusioned

As a child I had so many ideas of what adulthood would be like. I held images of deeply intellectual conversations by a fireplace with a group of well-educated peers, near my heart. I believed, subject matter would be arduous and I would be eloquent in my ways. I truly believed that as I got older and acquired more education, I would mirror the images of academics that I saw on t.v. While going through the motions in college, I constantly questioned myself. Am I doing this wrong? Do I belong here? This is not what I thought college would be like.

I held on to a superficial image of the well-rounded and astute college graduate. She spoke very succinctly and astonished those around her with a vast body of knowledge that seemed to drip seamlessly from her mouth. She was a walking, talking and breathing encyclopedia.

For a long time I grew very disillusioned and annoyed with my college experience and academia at that. I didn’t feel like I was learning anything. Often times,  I was able to ace a class simply by absorbing all the of mundane information thrown my way then regurgitating it all on exam days. I felt cheated and baffled that this was higher education.

Now in graduate school, I am beginning to re-experience my earlier sentiments. I don’t feel like I am learning much, although I am. What I have come to realize, and yet to accept, is that classrooms are not where most knowledge is gained. To learn, one must read and role their sleeves up to take part in an experience related to what they have digested. I can’t merely rely on classroom lectures and overpriced textbooks to transform me into the most convincing and astute professional. Sadly, this isn’t what is taught in school anymore. That’s a very heavy statement that I will unpack one day.

Nonetheless, I am still annoyed with the education system and now I am learning more about the disillusionment in regards to higher education.

The images I held onto as a child of adults is slowly being ripped into pieces. It’s not necessarily a “bad” thing. However, it is very sad living through it. Everything I believed to be true of adults is unveiling itself to me and showing me the opposite. I am an adult now and I am not the adult I visualized to be. I love who I am and who I developed into! I never realized, though, that images I saw on television of adults would impact my conception of adulthood. This same conception that I refer to time and again to compare myself to in effort to grade my “adulting.”

With each milestone, comes greater understanding of the humanity in us all. Before, I viewed adults in a certain light that made them invincible to “stupid” decisions, anger, disillusionment, pain, confusion etc. Basically, I believed they were superhuman and never made mistakes, right. Similar to a child’s image of his or her parents, this image was wrong. As I grow older, I realize my parents are people to. They are not always right and they don’t always have it together. I love watching this unveiling take place in front of me. I have come to appreciate my parents and the adults in my life as I was growing up. Life is hard, especially when you grow older and have to manage many more responsibilities. 

Life is also a puzzle with infinite pieces that slowly come together.

In the words of the Quran,

Verily with every hardship comes ease.

Stay Blessed,

MB.

Lessons on Healing: Mind Games We Play

The mind is a powerful weapon. I’ve heard it all my life.  On days when I would scour the internet in search of inspirational quotes, I came across “A man is but a product of his thoughts, what he thinks he becomes.”-Gandhi

Then in class, my professors used terms like “Self-fulfilling Prophecy” when referencing Merton’s explanation of how false definitions illicit new behavior, which makes that original false conception come true. Basically, what one believes becomes because their thoughts created it.

All this culminated into a series of conversations I had and continue to have with one of my dearest and nearest friends. We talk about our energy that we possess and radiate and how that same energy manifests into our reality.

Many people, I’ve noticed, don’t take the time to explore their true self, their spirit and their soul. Instead, many walk around purely existing and not really connected to their core. This happens for many reasons. Primarily, it’s not something we are taught so many don’t know where to start. Second, it can be viewed as “weird” “hippie” “waste of time” etc.

As a deeply spiritual being, I seek to understand the connection between my spirit and my physical body, the connection between my brain and my heart and the role each has on materializing my reality.

Don’t get lost in the abstractness of all this.The take away is that if you truly want to heal or change your reality you have to change your thoughts thus your perspective.

I’m sure you’ve heard that notorious quote “perspective is everything.” Well, it is. As we live each day we are given concepts that we then use to define what we encounter, what we see and experience. That becomes our perspective. When we learn new concepts, new frameworks, our perspectives change or grow more encompassing of different angles.

For example, before you were socialized into thinking that there is one standard of beauty, do you remember what you thought about it? You probably looked at your mother as if she was the epitome of beauty (she is). Later you learned about lean thighs, thigh gaps, flat tummies, etc. Basically, you learned new concepts that caused you to believe that there were things “wrong” with your body and so your perspective on beauty may have changed.

I’ve endured a series of heartbreaking situations in my life. I’m sure many people would have given up, I too wanted to give up. However, I have been blessed with spirituality and people around that always helped me change my perspective and change my thoughts. The more I learned to do that, the less affect “bad situations” have had on me. Sure, I’ll get upset for a day, but then I’m proactive about changing the way I see and approach the situation.

This folks is called growing and learning. I don’t believe in “negativity” and “bad situations” in the classical sense. I see everything as a lesson to be learned. So sure, failing an exam may be “bad” but then I know what to do better. Breaking up with the “love of your life” hurts, but then I know that we truly were not meant for one another. Each experience is a lesson learned.

Sincerely in this sense, what we think, we become.

If you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe Ms. Badu

Peace and blessings manifest with every lesson learn,
If your knowledge were your wealth then it would be well earned

So I challenge you to actively swap each negative thought with a positive one. I guarantee that it will benefit you. Do this everyday. Make it your new normal. You don’t have to become spiritual; I’m not preaching to you. You may be going through something and trying to heal from it. You can and you will. And it starts with your thoughts. Just take the time to start considering the impact your thoughts have on your reality.

Doing it…

Visualize all that energy spent worrying. You know, the time you spend thinking of numerous situations and alternatives to the current reality you face. The what if’s and buts. The…”maybe X will happen if Y doesn’t turn out how I want it to….” I’m talking about the energy you expend on thinking of what you haven’t done, who you haven’t become and what you didn’t accomplish. The outcomes that haven’t been achieved or given the chance to because your’e worrying and agonizing which prevents you from making the necessary steps toward achieving and fostering your desires.
In economics, opportunity costs describe the potential lost in gains from the next best alternative that you could purchase or participate in. So imagine the opportunity cost of all that energy you waste. Yes I said it. Waste. We all do it. It paralyzes us and floods our psyche with stress, depression and a plethora of negative outcomes that could have been easily prevented.
How you ask? By actually doing it. That’s what I have learned these past few weeks as a graduate student. All of this is very commonsensical and intuitive. Nothing new here folks.
But really sit down and think about it. We exert so much of our already limited time on worrying and stressing out about things that we may not even have taken the steps to achieve. Time is a limited commodity. We should be spending it wisely. And I know that’s a very normative statement, but go with me on this one.
I noticed myself doing this on an almost daily basis. Actually, on a daily basis. I kept stressing myself out over assignments and tasks that I hadn’t even started! How is that productive? I realized all the energy I spent venting and analyzing my frustrations over my “busy” schedule could have been better expended on actually doing the assignments and tasks.
Thomas Edison once said “Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.”
After being stressed out over planning and considering all the “things” I had to, I decided to actually do them! I re-evaluated my studying, reading and writing strategies. I started waking up earlier (5:30 am) and opting to sleep earlier as well. I noticed that when I spent less time evaluating my tasks and actually producing work, life got better! Now, this is obviously something that requires proactivity and constant tweaking. Remember Larry the Cable Guy’s catchphrase “Get r Done!” That’s how I approach every aspect of my life but for some reason this escaped my work ethic when starting grad school.

I still have days where I stress over the number of things that require my attention but now I have a built foundation. I’m constantly mindful of the unnecessary stress that comes with stressing out over things I haven’t done. I strive to always be aware of the fact that I CAN change my current predicament. And usually it’s reminded quite easily….by actually starting and finishing my tasks. We all need a reminder. And in my search for productivity in all aspects of my life this has proven essential. I am not saying that each second has to be accounted for. Of course not. What I’m saying is spend less time thinking of what hasn’t become and more time producing it.
And so in the spirit of “doing it” I decided to publish my blog as opposed to going through the cycle mentioned above over the what if’s and all other possibilities. This has always been something I wanted to do as a way to manifest my thoughts and now I am doing it.